Monthly Archives: September 2013

I don’t have coffee all that often. It’s quite bitter, and bitter things are a bit yeurckh. Yet I find that with enough sugary sweetness, one can enjoy the benefits of caffeine and all the more so for not having it that often. Dear reader, I present to you the Five Stages of Coffee Consumption for the Featherweight:

Stage 1: Drink two-shot coffee on nearly empty stomach – OK, so I had a slice of toast for breakfast but that’s barely enough to mop up the tea I had as well.

Stage 2: Develop the pre-caffeine shivers. Feel slightly caffeine-sick, but know that it’ll be all worth it for…

Stage 3: FIVE-HOUR CAFFEINE HIGH! Try to concentrate in a meeting with a 3-second attention span whilst resisting the urge to run around the office or dance to the radio in front of your coworkers at lunchtime. Talk at 100 mph, have the heart rate of a demented mouse, and try to block out the sound of your brain going VRRRRRROOOOOMMMMM!!

Stage 4: The come-down. Heart rate returns to normal. Brain slows down. Why am I working so slowly? Isn’t normal life boring? Consider the need for more caffeine.

Stage 5: Withdrawal. Brain is sticking to the inside of your skull, curled up in the foetal position, faintly groaning “whyyy?” Tempted to down water like the sea is about to evaporate but wrestle with the notion that such an act might induce some sort of caffeine pee deluge. Wonder why caffeine withdrawal is so similar to a hangover. Tentatively give in to the need for water, and wait for the result. Everything fine. Contemplate the notion that coffee isn’t really that bad. Actually it’s quite useful. But best reserved for times of great need. You know, you don’t want to get so used to it that it no longer gives you the Golden Five Hours of Productivity, do you?

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